The other day I was on the phone with my “gay best friend” my beloved G . It’s been a while since our last conversation and G told me that he has given up men.
He cynically kept on saying he is “beyond” human relationships. Truth is, he experienced some bad luck with men over the past few years and seems unable to enter a committed relationship. So he told me that a few months ago after no one was willing to be his boyfriend he decided to simply declare that someone is his boyfriend. So, what, you just went to someone and told them from now on you are my boyfriend, I asked. No. He answered. They never knew. It was only in my mind. It was a unilateral declaration of relationship. I laughed. We both did. But, after a few months, he continued, I could no longer entertain that thought. So I ended up not having a boyfriend not only in reality but also in my mind. I stopped believing myself. He said.
G was studying to become a PHD in (I think it was quantum) physics so all I had to do was to remind him gently that actually it doesn’t really matter and that there is no difference between “reality” and imagination. How can one tell the difference? What is real? How do you know?
Anyways, it reminded me all the times V told me that he kept on making love to me in his mind while I wasn’t there and how much of his time that mental activity consumed and that it was part of the reason he decided that I’m “a project”.
I was very amused and in the spirit of the unknown or non existing difference between reality and imagination I sent V an email hoping to see him again. I meant seeing him in the “real” sense of actually dressing up, getting out of the house, meeting, spending time together etc. I know that on many levels it doesn’t really matter but felt it was time to explore deeper the gap between reality and imagination.
I’m not “beyond”. I’m plain happy.