London April 2011
The promising romance with V ended. It felt very sad for a few days. I know it’s impossible to feel sad for days as there are always changes in the stream of consciousness so I decided to explore the grief process the mind went through. I spent hours looking closely at “my” perceptions. And this his is roughly what I noticed:
A moment of heart break followed by moments of grace and appreciating for this man who just left my life, then a moment of appreciation of beauty of nature, singing out laud, just hearing, just seeing, merging with the river and the trees, losing the sense of body, remembering unfulfilled promises for mutual future, pain, sadness, sense of abundance, feeling alone, feeling I have no one to share my feelings with, longing to return to the monastery, forgiveness, letting go, acceptance, love, love, love, love, feeling beautiful, feeling I like the way I look, relieved for solving an ongoing self image issue, remembering Daniel, pain, gratitude for Daniel, gratitude for myself, loving myself , just hearing, appreciating my capacity to relate to others, judging my inability to sustain a long lasting relationship , just seeing, greed, lust, fear of not having enough money, fear of not having a grown up’s job, self criticism, remembering my friends who already got married and have a grown up’s job, moment of jealousy, many moment s of rejoicing for my friends, just hearing, content with where I am in life, understanding why things look the way they are and once again a painful memory and that just goes on and on and on like any other mind would, until I forget to be mindful and lose myself in a book or a movie or dance or fall asleep.
Still, despite this endless changes to perception, if you’d ask me how I feel I’d say I’m sad and grieving. Isn’t that remarkable?